Self-care seems to be on everyone’s radar these days, even Barbie’s. Could the dream of caring for self become the self-care nightmare?
self-care: 1. the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one's own health; 1.1 the practice of taking an active role in protecting one's own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress
I Need Sleep!
What mom hasn’t struggled to balance caring for others and caring for herself?
When I was the young mother of a two year old and an infant, I was obsessed with sleep. Not because I was getting sleep, obviously — because I wasn’t. Most days I thought getting good sleep at night would fix every problem in my world.
Whenever I was not doing life as well as I thought I should, I would think, “If only the people in my life really knew how little I sleep, how tired I am, how much energy it takes to do all I do, they would not only forgive all my imperfections, their admiration for me would go through the roof!”
I would go to bed nervous most nights, nervous that I was about to hear a cry. Greatest fear? “If I don’t get enough sleep, I won’t be able to do all I need to do, the way I need to do it.”
Amiss Assumptions
Assuming most of my problems could be blamed on lack of sleep set me up for a stressed-out existence. Look with me and see what was behind my thoughts.
| “not doing life as well as I thought I should…“ | Unrealistic expectations reared their ugly heads. |
| “If only the people in my life really knew…“ | People-pleasing added additional, completely unnecessary stress to my life. |
| “I would go to bed nervous most nights…“ | Fear of failure haunted me. |
| “I won’t be able to do all I need to do…“ | Expectations depending solely on my own strength & ability to achieve were frightening indeed! |
| “the way I need to do it…“ | And we’re back to unrealistic expectations that stem from an unhealthy desire for control. |
There are many things sleep can’t fix.
While a good night’s sleep, especially consistent good nights of sleep, can work wonders for the human body (there’s plenty of research to back this up), could sleep fix:
- unrealistic expectations?
- people-pleasing problems?
- fear of failure?
- self-dependence?
- a desire for control?
Culture’s Burnout Fix
Read what Jen Oshman (author of a book I highly recommend, Enough about Me), has to say about our culture’s self-care answer.
“Culture tells us the remedy for our burnout is more me-time. What we need is more rest. More quiet times alone. A nicer luxury vehicle that can block out the stress of the world. Possibly a nanny and a cleaning lady to help us balance it all. More wine. More coffee. Therapy, medicine. More self-talk. Get your tribe, get your people, get your momfia to remind you that you are enough and you can do this.”
Jen Oshman, Enough About Me (2020, p.38)
Look again at the list of things I assumed sleep would fix.
- unrealistic expectations
- people-pleasing problems
- fear of failure
- self-dependence
- a desire for control
Would any of our culture’s self-care solutions take care of these? Can you identify with any issues on this list? There is a better solution.
Needed: A Biblical Worldview
“Our remedy is in reclaiming our worldview. It’s in rejecting the self-help movement that birthed us and in reorienting ourselves back toward the God who made us. Healing must happen in our souls. Our health will come when we root ourselves in what’s true.”
Oshman, Enough About Me (p.38)
Could a big, fat dose of truth from God’s Word fix our unrealistic expectations? people-pleasing problems? fear of failure? self-dependence? desire for control?
I believe it, and I have experienced it in my own life. Proceed with caution, however; much advice has been given that mixes one part Bible with one part culture and one part self. This produces very murky results.
Trying to Fix Unrealistic Expectations
A book that was helpful to me during the “two kids under two” season of my life was The Worn-Out Woman by Dr. Steve Stephens and Alice Gray. Correction: The whole book wasn’t helpful; one idea that came from Ch. 3 of the book was helpful… sort of.
Starve the Octopus
“Most worn-out women struggle with expectations. Do you ever feel like an octopus is attacking you, its arms grabbing and pulling? Everyone seems to want more and more. They want you to do things better and bigger and quicker, all the while with a smile on your face. Everywhere you turn, there’s another expectation… until you’re exhausted just thinking about it. Your family, your friends, your work, your neighbors, and even your church have expectations for you. You have expectations for yourself as well.
It’s too much. Yet the shoulds and oughts don’t stop. As they grow, you can feel the arms of the octopus wrapping tighter.
What can you do? The only way to stop the octopus from dragging you down is to starve it. If you take away the three foods it thrives on, the octopus will lose its power, and overwhelming expectations will lose their grip. The three foods are comparison, people pleasing, and perfectionism.”
Stephens & Gray, The Worn-Out Woman (2004, p.42)
What they’re saying made sense to me. As we’ve already seen, people pleasing was a problem of mine sleep could never fix. You can probably also see how comparison and perfectionism might be feeding my other issues.
A partial fix isn’t a fix.
After reading this, I was intentional about catching myself whenever “should” or “ought” popped into my head and teaching myself to dismiss or minimize whatever it was. I hope you can see how this could be helpful… and harmful.
Some “shoulds” and “oughts” are good! Not all “shoulds” and “oughts” can be dismissed! The authors concluded the chapter with an encouragement to turn to God for your expectations, but they stopped short of digging into God’s own Word for the whole truth on the matter and instead dropped one verse or only a reference to Scripture as part of the authors’ answer to each problem.
I was left with: “Get rid of ‘shoulds’ and ‘oughts’ — but not all of them.” Without hiding God’s Word in my heart on these matters, I was still the one setting my expectations.
This well-meaning book, and many others like it, mixed biblical worldview in with popular thoughts and ideas of our therapeutic culture. This leads to confusion, not solutions.
[Click here to read What Encouragement Is… and Is Not.]
The Word & the world don’t mix.
“I have given them (My disciples) Your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. 15My prayer is not that You take them out of the world but that You protect them from the evil one. 16They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. 17Sanctify them by the truth; Your word is truth. 18As You sent Me into the world, I have sent them into the world. 19For them I sanctify Myself, that they too may be truly sanctified.”
John 17:14-19 (NIV)
A journal is sometimes a written record of self-care confusion.
I started a journal 1.7.2008, during the season I referred to above, when my first child was almost 23 months old and my second was not quite six months. My first entries started with a Bible verse (or two or three), then continued with a personal observation of the verse (or verses), acts of kindness I did or planned to do and some that had been done toward me, a plan or goal for myself, and a prayer. The entries continue this way for about a month and a half.
I don’t remember what prompted the order to the entries, if it was a Bible study I was following or an adaptation of a prayer journal I had used in the past, but my struggle with “shoulds” and “oughts” was real. I was placing emphasis on doing more acts of kindness for those outside my home, which sounds good, I know, but it was often not good in practice.
If God were calling me to all of these wonderful outreaches, that would have been one thing; but I was trying to come up with acts of kindness as a solution to the problems of my already sleep-deprived self. Problems more sleep couldn’t solve. Problems self-contrived, supposedly selfless acts couldn’t solve either.
Peek into my journal.
2.1.2008
Mark 12:30: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.”
1. There should not be an aspect in your life in which the Lord is not first.
2. Several of us are taking Dad out to Landry’s for his b’day tonight since he had to go to election school last night.
Bert: I’m washing undershirts for him, and I’ve put up some of his clothes.
It’s 10:30 a.m. and I still haven’t gotten my shower even though we got up at 6:30 this morning. But Weston’s had a bath and I’ve washed some clothes, etc.
3. I need sleep. Maybe I can get more tonight since it’s Friday… I actually feel better physically even though I’m tired.
*Remember not to fall into the traps of comparison, people pleasing, and perfectionism.
2.4.2008
a) Hebrews 12:1
b) John 4:14
c) Matthew 5:13-161. a) We have each other and those who have come before us to support us in running the race.
b) …
2.8.2008
Matt. 16:26: “For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?”
I am concerned about Bert and his job this week because he’s tired & upset and he’s been getting home late every night, which means he hasn’t spent enough time with me or the kids. Actually, I guess it goes even further back because last weekend, even though he said it was fine initially, he got mad that he had to “babysit the kids all weekend.” (On Sat., I went to a scrapbooking workshop and then scrapbooked for a couple of hours during Kat’s naptime. I had to make my trip to Walmart late Sunday afternoon because we had lunch at Gm. Martin’s after church.)
[Part of the prayer that followed:] “Forgive me for my sins. Help me forgive those who offend me. Please convict me where I have not forgiven someone else. I’m not sure I’ve forgiven Bert for the way he offended me last weekend — help me get over it so I can forgive and forget swiftly.”
These were my only entries from this particular week+ in 2008. You can see that the Feb. 4th entry was left unfinished. I’m glad I can smile about that now that the kids mentioned in these entries are 16 and 14! 🙂 At the time, it felt like just another failure to finish something. Bert and I can also now laugh about the wonky attitudes of our young selves, even though I totally failed on the clean undershirt thing just yesterday. Some priorities never need to change.
Got Context?
First of all, reading one verse plucked out of Scripture and writing an observation about it is a horrible way to study the Bible!!! I’m pretty sure when I read Matthew 16:26 on Feb. 8, 2008, I was thinking that my husband Bert needed to focus more on the kids and me and less on work! And that would be a popular idea with our culture.
While Bert did have his issues with work-life balance (he’s human, after all), this verse did not apply quite the way I thought it did. Jesus certainly did not intend for me to use it in a Pharisaic, self-righteous type of judgment kind of way! Thankfully, I did pray for Bert’s work situation that day using a prayer from a prayer book which kept me on the right track. Praise God for His grace!
Did God say…?
Secondly, I don’t remember running all my “kind acts” by God first. Of the ones in these entries, it’s not the birthday dinner or family lunch I have a problem with, and the undershirt washing was on point, but the whole scrapbooking deal is bogus.
I decided to go to a scrapbooking workshop because I thought I “should” — it would be “good” for me to spend time with other women from church, get out of the house, out of my comfort zone (yes, I’m an introverted homebody). What about that husband who, in my own words, was “tired & upset” and “getting home late every night” and had not “spent enough time with me or the kids”? I know that described the week after, but it was likely true the week before. It was true a lot back then.
And that little item that sounds so innocent, “scrapbooked for a couple of hours during Kat’s naptime”? I used to go to my mom & dad’s house across the road to scrapbook, so I was not even home that couple of hours. And little Kat was most likely napping at home with Daddy Bert and baby Weston. I was MIA.
Now before you get all worked up for 2008 Bert’s side or 2008 Alicia’s side, let’s get to the point: My expectations were being guided by what I thought I should and shouldn’t do. My first thought was not, “Lord, how can I love and bless my husband and children and others today?”, but “How can I make myself feel better?” Not what you expected me to say? Me, either!
Back to My Under-the-Surface To Do List
- unrealistic expectations
- people-pleasing problems
- fear of failure
- self-dependence
- a desire for control
If I…
- met expectations,
- pleased others (esp. those outside my house),
- succeeded in everything,
- needed no one (outside my house, that is),
- got all the control I desired…
then I would feel good.
Self-care is a nightmare if you’re really just worshiping your feelings.
That felt like kind of a mic drop, but don’t worry. I’m definitely going to write more about this! Look for new posts coming soon.
Self-care is a nightmare if you’re really just worshiping your feelings.
unpostedlife.com